Eggnog

Ari Brown  

August. School. September. Fall. Leaves. Snow. Winter. December. Holidays. Eggnog. You often buy the stuff in the store, and by “you” I mean old people, because let’s be honest — nobody drinks eggnog anymore. Cue the few readers who leap up and say “I do!” and subsequently think they’re cool.

Put it in a mug, dash some nutmeg and cinnamon, and indulge. And while it might put you over your caloric limit faster than the Diag to Diag bus can warp time and space to get you to North Campus. This is a kind of refrigerated warmth that money can’t buy.

Dear reader, I’ve done my homework for you. I’ve made many batches of eggnog this winter, I have tried many different recipes, I have drunk many different liquors, and I have spent many hours cooking and preparing this all. I even did math. For funsies. Over break. Guys. Look at me. I’m like a martyr for eggnog or something.

First things first, allow me to present my family recipes passed down from generation to generation, which started about a month ago. This is an adaptation of the Joy of Cooking’s eggnog recipe and J. P. Hartt’s recipe from the Orangette blog.

Like all good scientists do, gather your materials first.

12 eggs separated
3 pints of heavy cream
2 cups of Brandy
2 cup of Goslings Dark Rum
1 lb confectioners sugar

And some ratios to describe this recipe to the mathemagically inclined:
Sugar/Liquid = 0.24
Liquor/Liquid = 0.47

You’re also going to want to get three large bowls: one for beating the egg whites, one for whipping the cream, and one for the final everything. These should all be pretty big bowls, but especially the last one.

Separate the eggs, putting the yolks in the biggest (final) bowl, and the whites in one of the smaller bowls. Beat the yolks for a bit, and then slowly add the confectioner’s sugar while continuing to beat the mixture. When that is good and mixed and there are no chunks, start adding the liquor.

Add the liquor slowly to the yolk and sugar mix. I know every recipe ever tells you to add things slowly and it almost never matters, but this time it will make your life a lot easier.

Put the egg mixture in the fridge for as long as possible while doing the rest of the recipe.

Now, you have two things left to do: beat the egg whites to soft peaks, and whip the cream to stiff peaks. Um, take an electric mixer and just beat the shit out of them. It’s pretty simple.

But so you don’t have to think: do the cream and then do the egg whites. This is because the egg whites will begin to separate again as time goes on, so you want to minimize the time between beating them and involving them in the rest of the mixture.

Grab the yolk mixture from the fridge with your spidey skillz and pour in about half the egg whites and fold them into the yolk and liquor. Do you know what folding means? I know you’re gonna say yes but fo rillz most of you probs don’t. It’s really simple: you take a rubber scraper and do a Ferris-wheel motion with it, pushing the egg whites under the liquor mix until the entire drink is homogenous. Pour in the rest of the egg whites and do the same.

Follow the same procedure with the whipped cream until the drink is smooth. Put it all back in the fridge and let it sit overnight. Stir before serving, as the liquor will sink to the bottom.

Congratulations! You just made eggnog. Pour yourself a glass. Taste its strength. Bear its fortitude. Whatever that means.

So now let’s talk about how this recipe varies from others. It's somewhat of an amalgamation, being the combination of two others. After comparing it to other recipes, it has shown itself to have more liquor and more sugar than other recipes. Like I said, dear reader, I’ve done my homework, which means I also have compiled a proper ratio for making eggnog. My research is excluded as it is totesmcgotes unfollowable and uninteresting. My results, however, are below:

Eggs : Cups of 80 Proof Liquor : Cups of Sugar : Cups of Heavy Cream
12 : 3 : 1 : 3

Sugar/Liquid = 0.1333
Liquor/Liquid = 0.4

Feel free to double it or halve it or do whatever. That’s the ratio. It will be less sweet than my recipe (more on par with what other recipes suggest, based on the sugar/liquid ratio), and it will be less alcoholic, which in all honesty is a downside because I know my target audience.

Go forth, children, and have poorly-timed eggnog parties.